The Fear

gif-wendel

Time for a confession; I’ve had fear of failure for most of my life.

The biggest challenge in my past was undoubtedly Art School.
I loved being creative but then there is also the judging of your work…
I was so concerned with the reactions of my teachers that instead of following my own creativity and use their comments as guidelines, I tried to create something that met with their approval loosing my own ideas in the process. Which (ask any art school student) is a sure fire way to NOT get any.
Finally the fear of failure made me frieze up and literally nothing would come out of my hands. In the end I dropped out of art school and fled to the safety of the university.

But I did want to protect that creative part of myself by giving myself an outlet, a place where I could just focus on beauty and creativity, where I would be inspired. A place to document my own creative journey. This became my blog.

When I became pregnant for the second time last year, I felt so drained of everything that being creative was almost impossible. I just got it together long enough to do something with the nursery and than basically just took a really long nap.

Blogging was hard and it became harder and harder. This past year I’ve tried to breathe and reboot so many times. But I couldn’t keep it up.
Blogging became something I forced myself to do.
Obviously this didn’t work. How can you give anything when you feel like you have nothing to give?

I started to compare myself to others and felt inadequate.
Blogging became tied in with my fear of failure.
I felt I had let myself down in the worst way.
Maybe I had even been wrong about myself all along.
Maybe I wasn’t creative at all. Maybe I was just all talk and no game.
Blogging became just a confirmation of my own failure.
And being a mom for the second time, working and managing our lives were all great excuses of why I simply didn’t have the time to blog.
I even stopped reading other blogs.

Recently I started to think about what to do with this blog. Do I want to quit? Try again?  What?

Then I got the flu (usually not a good thing) en forced to stay in bed I visited Dos Family (one of my favourites) and suddenly it clicked.
I looked at all their crazy/lovely/beautiful/insane posts and I realized what Jenny and Isabelle were doing. They aren’t trying to become something else or show something that wasn’t there.
Jenny and Isabelle share their lives tidy or not, styled or not, trendy or not. They embrace who they are and share every quirky bit of it.

So why was I so concerned with failing? If I want to blog, I can!
There are no rules; there are no requirements only the ones I created in my head. Rules that I made by comparing myself to others.
But I’m not a professional blogger, I blog because I want to.
I blog, because I like to experiment and create.
And I can do it any way I want.

So I am done making up rules for myself, compare myself or censure myself.
Time for a fresh start and show a little more of me.

Foto op 5-16-14 om 10.44 AM #2

7 responses to “The Fear

  1. Helemaal geweldig en heel herkenbaar!! Lekker loslaten en zie maar waar je wel en niet aan toekomt! Hoezee!

    Groetjes,

    Eliza

  2. Mooi geschreven. Geniet van wat je tegen gaat komen!

  3. Way to go W!! Ik kijk er erg naar uit om je nieuwe blogposts te zien. Want ik ben wel erg fan van je posts. Deze is erg herkenbaar en ik heb het ook besloten: ik blog wanneer ik zin heb en waarover ik zin heb. Há! Het klinkt zo simpel maar het is toch een mantra om regelmatig te herhalen.

  4. Heel herkenbaar. Knuffel voor jou. x

  5. Ik hou juist van die leuke en misschien wel gekke bloggers. Niets moet en alles mag. Het is net leuk als iemand eens iets anders doet.

  6. Oh Wendel, weet je hoe leuk en eigen je bent! Ik kan niet wachten op je blogs. Voor mij helpt het ook om vooral alleen maar een blog te maken als ik zin en tijd heb en anders gewoon lekker niet! X (en oh ja, ik heb het willen krijgen van veel comments ook maar los gelaten, uiteindelijk blog ik voor m’n eigen plezier. Maar dat zal straks met de prof blog misschien weer anders worden pfffff😉 )

  7. Even recht voor z’n raap: wat ben jij een stoer wijf!! Ik vind je blogs heel leuk en krijg er altijd inspiratie van!

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